WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report (http://bit.ly/rhihai)) – With less than one week until the President and Congress run out of time to make a deal, most experts agree that the debt ceiling crisis is like Y2K all over again, only with assholes instead of computers.
This grim assessment comes on the heels of a new poll showing that a majority of congressmen can no longer remember which debt deal they like.
As the August 2 deadline approaches, several nightmare scenarios loom, including one in which the United States would officially become a province of China and would be renamed Panda Gardens 2.
The Chinese government proposed that name to avoid confusion with Panda Gardens, a popular Shanghai noodle shop.
In another possibility being openly discussed, the United States would cease to exist as an actual country but would continue in an online-only version.
In this scenario, Rep. John Boehner (R-OH) would no longer be Speaker of the House but would instead be become an angry little orange avatar.
As for President Obama, he would step down and be replaced by Roger Goodell, commissioner of the National Football League.
"What can I say?" a resigned Mr. Obama told reporters today. "At least Roger got a deal done." Pre-order Andy Borowitz's new book and save 40%! (http://amzn.to/rffSBR)
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The Borowitz Reports.