NEW ALBANY, OHIO (The Borowitz Report (http://bit.ly/rhihai)) – Just hours after Abercrombie & Fitch offered a cast member of the MTV series "Jersey Shore" a cash payment to stop wearing its clothes, angry douchebags marched on company headquarters demanding a similar arrangement.
Police said the crowd of douches who asembled to protest the payment to Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino numbered in the tens of thousands, believed to be the largest gathering of egregious tools since the 2008 Republican convention.
"I've been wearing Abercrombie & Fitch pretty much nonstop for the last four years," said Tracy Klugian, a self-described douche from Louisville, Kentucky. "I don't see why 'The Situation' should be singled out for a payday and not me."
As the crowd of douches stretched for miles outside company headquarters, clogging traffic for miles, industry insiders said that Abercrombie & Fitch might have blundered in their offer to "The Situation."
"If Abercrombie & Fitch paid every douchebag not to wear their clothes they would have no customers left,"one insider said. Get the Borowitz Report delivered to your inbox for free here (http://bit.ly/cJq2BD).
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