WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report (http://bit.ly/rhihai)) – Seismologists said today that a 5.8 magnitude earthquake centered in Virginia did less damage to Washington, D.C. than House Majority Leader Eric Cantor, also centered in Virginia.
"The earthquake and Eric Cantor originate from almost the identical point," said Dr. Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota's Seismology Institute. "But while the earthquake caused some minor shaking, there's only one word for Eric Cantor's impact: devastation."
As residents of Washington picked through the rubble left behind by Rep. Cantor, some questioned whether it made sense to rebuild.
"What's the point? Congress will be back from recess in a few days and then he'll just knock everything down again," one resident said.
While rumbling from the quake extended to states as far-flung as New York and Ohio, Rep. Cantor's path of destruction has wreaked damage on almost every state in the country, Dr. Logsdon said.
"The only state he hasn't destroyed is Wisconsin," he said. "That's because there was nothing left of it after it was hit by Scott Walker."
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