PYONGYANG (The Borowitz Report (http://bit.ly/rhihai)) – Gov. Rick Perry's performance in this week's Republican debate, in which he called Social Security a Ponzi scheme and took pride in executing an innocent man, "made him seem like a totally unhinged lunatic," said North Korean President Kim Jong-Il today.
The reclusive Kim, who rarely speaks out on U.S. politics, said he was breaking his silence in this case because "quite frankly, he scares me."
The North Korean dictator said that Gov. Perry would have to "tone down" his rhetoric considerably if he were to become a head of state.
"When you're President of a country, you can't go around spouting the first crazy thing that comes into your head," Mr. Kim said. "That man I saw onstage gave me the willies, and I don't think I'm alone on this."
While the North Korean dictator said there was still a chance that Mr. Perry might "dial it back a little," watching the Texas Governor at Wednesday night's debate left him "shaken."
"I'll tell you this," Kim said, "I would not want a person like that to have access to nuclear weapons."
Elsewhere, some Republican lawmakers said they were unable to hear President Obama's jobs speech due to fingers stuck in their ears.
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