DES MOINES (The Borowitz Report (http://bit.ly/32h4zU)) – Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney was overjoyed today after finishing the Iowa caucuses in a virtual tie with a walking joke who wears sweater vests.
"The eight people have spoken!" exclaimed Mr. Romney, who was joined by supporters celebrating his .0006% margin of victory.
The former Massachusetts governor put the best face on his razor-thin lead, telling supporters, "Say what you will, but eight votes is still six more than Rick Perry can count."
Historians noted that the last time so few people decided a Presidential race they were all on the Supreme Court.
As for the other candidates, runner-up Rick Santorum said that he had received a phone call from President Obama: "He stopped laughing just long enough to say congratulations."
Rep. Michele Bachmann told supporters, "I don't know the meaning of the word surrender. Also, the words science, math, apple and cat."
And former House Speaker Newt Gingrich addressed speculation about whether he would leave the race: "Not unless it gets cancer."
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