PYONGYANG (The Borowitz Report (http://bit.ly/NhEEu0))—The press department of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea has released the official transcript of Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un's wedding vows to his new bride, Comrade Ri Sol-ju:
My Bride, on this our Wedding Day, I wrote this poem for you:
With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
I'll show you love and laughter and Disney characters
Snow White, Cinderella, Buzz Lightyear, and Nemo the fish
From every Disney movie ever made except "Mars Needs Moms"
Which really blew
And if Disney claims "intellectual property"
I will destroy Disney Studios in a merciless fireball
They stole all their characters from North Korea anyway
Grumpy the Dwarf was totally based on Dad
I wish Dad was here
He loved looking at things
He'd look at us right now and say,
"Those are two things right there"
And then go look at something else
I'll never forget the day I proposed to you
And you told me, "You had me at 'food.' "
And so, my bride, I promise:
My love will last longer and go farther
Than North Korea's mightiest missile
Way longer and way farther
And I will make you grateful every day
That unlike Katie Holmes, you married someone normal
LOL
And everywhere in North Korea, people will celebrate our nuptials:
After the rice is thrown, they will fall to their hands and knees to scoop it up
And the two of us will sing
Hi ho hi ho
As off to work we go
With arms wide open.
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