NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Today the Republican Vice-Presidential pick Paul Ryan published the following poem to America:
This morning I was at Equinox
Getting ripped and shredded, pumped and jacked,
Cross-training with Jeremy
Who totally kicks my butt.
And I was like, "I shall not let my foes define me."
And I was so stoked
I punched Jeremy in the face.
Endorphins, mofo—
Sweet.
Who is Paul Ryan?
He can bench-press three times his weight,
Ochocinco a cinderblock in two,
Change the course of mighty rivers,
Bend steel in his bare hands,
And tug freighters with his teeth.
Paul Ryan:
Rock-hard abs,
Bulging delts,
Glistening pecs.
But not gay.
Ayn Rand wrote:
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me."
She could have been writing
About Paul Freakin' Ryan.
I don't read Ayn Rand anymore.
I disavow her atheist philosophy.
I just know that quote
Because it's tattooed on my left oblique.
So join me
In Paul Ryan's America:
Where heroes roam free
And pussies fear to tread.
Where a small boy from Wisconsin
Can grow up to join forces with a casino billionaire
To kick Iran in the cojones,
And leave behind the America of my foes:
Where the old and feeble
Expect food, medicine, and whatnot.
Not on my watch
Because I am Paul Ryan.
Paul Freakin' Ryan.
Drop and give me twenty, America:
It's clobberin' time.
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