Cain Reveals New Economic Plan; Would Pay Every Woman in Country to Keep Quiet

[BR]

IOWA (The Borowitz Report) – GOP presidential frontrunner Herman Cain today unveiled a new economic plan which would pay every woman in the United States to "keep quiet."

While Mr. Cain's new plan drew criticism from fiscal conservatives who claimed it would add to the deficit, the former pizza executive brushed it off: "You can't put a price tag on getting the ladies to stop talking, if you know what I'm saying."

Touting his proposal before a crowd of supporters in Davenport, Mr. Cain dubbed it his new "999" plan: "I pay you $999, and you shut your damn piehole."

Elsewhere, billionaire Donald Trump said that the winner of Sunday's New York marathon should be disqualified "because he was born in Kenya."  Read more here.

Get the Borowitz Report delivered to your inbox for free here.

Borowitz Reports