Murdoch Issues Zero-Tolerance Policy on Phone Hacking: ‘Let’s Go Back to Just Making Shit Up’

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LONDON (The Borowitz Report) – In a closed-door meeting with his top tabloid editors, News Corporation chief Rupert Murdoch said that going forward the company would have a zero-tolerance policy on phone hacking, urging his employees, "Let's go back to just making shit up."

Blasting reporters at his News of the World tabloid for hacking the phones of ordinary citizens in order to gain information, Mr. Murdoch said, "Looking for information gets you into nothing but trouble in journalism, which is why I've always opposed it."

"Making shit up and printing it has always been good enough for me and it was good enough for my father before me, so it damn well better be good enough for you," a beet-red Murdoch thundered.

Mr. Murdoch said he would head up a new watchdog committee to oversee all News Corp. publications "to make sure they are 100% information-free."

He said that an initial review of the papers' content had left him feeling heartened: "Even before we began ridding our papers of information, I find we're already 99% of the way there."

He said that the directive to just make shit up would be limited to the company's newspaper's and would not extend to its Fox News Channel in America: "Fox has been way ahead of the curve on this."

The Australian media magnate also announced that he would shut down The News of the World permanently and launch an entirely new tabloid, called World of News The.

Mr. Murdoch's actions have already drawn praise from his single most powerful ally, Satan.  Get a free subscription to Borowitz Report here.

The Borowitz Reports.