How to control your crush

[emezico]

Want them so bad it hurts? Here's how to free yourself.

"The greatest pain... is to love, but love in vain." Said by Abraham Cowley If you're currently harbouring a crush, you'll know that there's nothing trivial about fancying someone who doesn't fancy you back. Or who might, but you'll never know, because you'd sooner eat your own kneecaps than confess your feelings, for fear of being rejected.

Many writers have belittled the pain of a crush by describing it as the perfect love affair, because it can never break up. That's exactly the kind of thing you'd expect from smug loved-up people who've forgotten the loneliness of adoring someone who thinks of you only as a friend, if indeed they think of you at all.

At their worst, crushes can consume your emotions and drive you out of your mind, with disastrous practical consequences. If you have a crush on a work colleague or boss, it can seriously affect your professional decisions. A crush on the partner of a friend can drive people apart for life, whether or not the crush ever turns into an affair.

Even if your crush is apparently consequence-free, unrequited desire isn't much fun. It hurts. It is distracting, upsetting and bad for your self-esteem.

Here's our guide to keeping those feelings under control and finding freedom from infatuation. 

1. Find out if they like you too

Secret longings are a waste of your time and emotion. You don't have to make some grand confession of love – just ask them out for a drink. If they say yes, fantastic. If they say no, it will sting at first, but you won't feel as humiliated as you may expect. A "no" simply shows that you aren't right for each other as a couple. It will also deflate your crush surprisingly quickly. Crushes are fuelled by a hint of hope, and when the hope is gone, so is the crush.

2. If they're attached, don't go there

Kill the crush immediately if either of you is married or in a serious relationship with someone else. No ifs or buts – these feelings are absolutely not worth the pain they could cause you (not to mention other people). Unfortunately in this case you can't kill the crush by asking them out and getting a "no", so you must find ways to take control of it.

3. No means no

Don't pursue someone who has rejected you. Where would be the joy in having a relationship with someone who doesn't want you? They're not worth your time or effort. Find someone who sees the beauty in you, and save your valuable attentions for them.

4. Stop seeing them

If hope is one of the fires that keeps crushes burning, proximity is another. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" is just not true, in our experience – you're far more likely to find that "out of sight" means "out of mind," at least eventually. Go out of your way not to see or speak to your crush. A crush is a psychological habit. As the days, weeks and months go by, you will find that the habit evaporates.

5. Meet someone new

This is by far the best way to get over an unrequited crush. Be assured, there are hundreds, thousands of better people out there – many of whom will want you, and won't be shy about saying so. Sign up for online dating, go to parties, get into conversations with people who you wouldn't normally talk to. Get into the flirtation habit, and always try to look your best when you're out and about. You'll soon find that your crush is ancient history.

6. Forget the soulmates myth Nobody is perfect, and nobody is your soulmate.

The soulmates concept causes needless heartache with its suggestion that if you can't find or have The One, you're doomed. Utter nonsense. There are many Ones out there for you. It's easier to find them than you imagine, and many of them will find you irresistible just the way you are.

7. Don't indulge in fantasies

If you allow yourself to think about one person all the time, you're just making it worse for yourself. You're also creating a vicious circle – the more you fantasise, the more you'll crush on them. Find a new focus. Learn something new, set yourself a challenge. Even simple things like going to sleep with the radio or trying out some simple meditation on will help to stop your mind clouding with fantasies.

8. If you're single, embrace it

Happiness in life isn't all about being half of a couple. When you're single, you can make your own decisions, pursue your own interests and answer only to yourself. Recognise all the advantages that you have as an independent soul with a bed to yourself. You haven't committed to one person yet, and many of your coupled-up friends would envy you for that, so don't squander your freedom by "committing" to someone who doesn't even fancy you in return.


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