Santorum Makes Campaign Swing Through Seventeenth Century

[BR]

THE SEVENTEENTH CENTURY (The Borowitz Report) – In an effort to underscore his core beliefs leading up to this Tuesday night's primary contests, former Sen. Rick Santorum made a campaign swing through the Seventeenth Century today.

At the first stop of his ambitious journey, Mr. Santorum restated his reason for seeking the White House: "I am running for President today because the position of Spanish Inquisitor is no longer available."

The former Pennsylvania Senator served up red meat to his seventeenth-century supporters, telling them, "Since we all agree that contraception is a bad idea, it's time to take a harder look at electricity and soap."

Mr. Santorum, who said that in his first day in office he would repeal the Age of Enlightenment, stressed that he had home-schooled all seven of his children: "That means there are at least eight people in this country who don't understand evolution."

In a lighter moment, Sen. Santorum told his audience what he said was his favorite joke: "A Kenyan, a Muslim and a socialist walk into a bar. And then he makes everyone get an abortion."

Elsewhere on the campaign trail, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich scored points with this comment on education: "We should leave no child behind, only wives."

SEE ANDY LIVE IN LOS ANGELES THIS TUESDAY NIGHT!

A handful of extra tickets have been released for Andy Borowitz's show at the Saban Theater with Patton Oswalt this Tuesday night.  These won't last long, so buy yours today by clicking here.

Borowitz Reports